Real Relationships bring you prosperity!
My Story - Part 5
Taking tiny steps forward, means understanding some of your reactive behaviors.....
The behaviors that continued to manifest were very self protective. I would have hateful thoughts, emotions and feelings to any man that was near me.
As a teenager I would feel sooooo uncomfortable with any dad of my school friends and especially if the daughter (my friend) was sitting on her dads lap or near him... it was strange (as I hadn't remembered my childhood or processed it of course)
As a young adult I started dating a guy 9 years older than me. I was 16 and he was 25. He was also separated and had kids. This was CRAZY as I think of it now, but man was I so "love stricken" and this relationship met some of my unknown needs of a father... weirdly enough... (so I learned later of course) I would stick with this guy even after he cheated over and over and over. We would end up living together as well...
At age 19, I went to The Harvest Church. This was after being kicked out of a church but was told "rejection was protection" and thankfully I didn't harden my heart to all Christians. At this church was the beginning of being around "safe" guys. Granted, I didn't know it then and DID NOT accept it for sure!
I had these emotions come up and RAGE within. These thoughts and feelings would say "what the f*** are they looking at... I will flip out on you".... yes that's the words that would truly rise up.
The Pastor, Ken, created an amazing culture of safety and grace. It was a great time of feeling a bit safer than ever. Then I had one guy friend that would start hanging around. Jason was so great. He would take my rude responses, anger, questioning of his motives, etc. and would make it fun and joking within the group of friends we had together. (he ended up marrying my roommate as well)
Then there was another Pastor, Indar, He was amazingly great!! He believed in me and I was able to join his small group at the house. It was a great time to just see and grow and build safe moments with other men... truly a treasured relationship for me still!
And there was Pastors, Scott & Michelle, they were very empowering to me. I was able to serve alongside of them and grow. They were amazing and graceful as I learned how to serve in youth for the first time!!
I also received a few interested parties to date me... this was so uncomfortable. I felt so bad as I didn't know hot to react.. act.... date, etc. It was just strange to me... as it was foreign to do so in a "nice" way. So of course these didn't last.
These awakenings showed me that I needed to get help.. that there was something incorrect actually within... and I had to make a CHOICE to overcome and move forward in this healing. OR I would have accepted my behaviors and feelings as reality and stayed wounded... this is a MAJOR THING TO RECOGNIZE.
One of the first steps was I decided to fly for the first time, alone, to Los Angeles. There was an event for sexually abused people to get healing.
This was a crazy adventure. I had been gifted a beautiful hotel room, from actually one of the guy friends, to stay the night before my flight in Charlotte NC.
When I arrived at the airport and boarded the plan, I realized that the plane was frozen solid. I hadn't flown before but I was sure that planes were not to have their windows covered in ice. LOL This was true. We had to sit on the tarmac for 2 hours! to de-ice. It definitely helped my anxiousness of flying for the first time. NOT!
When I had arrived at this place holding the event in LA, I decided to stay in the building overnight, like camping. It was filled with women and men that were sexually abused.... most of them had parent issues as well. Some of them shared that they were sexually active a lot, gay or lesbian, or just really withdrawn from any human contact. People responded to the pain, past, and confusion from abuse differently.
I learned a lot at this event and it began to take me deeper into the journey of forgiving my abuser and moving past my unhealed thoughts, feelings, emotions and behaviors....
For this, I am grateful.
#transformation #healing #THROUGHthepain #fearless #lookingup #sayingyestoyou #yourhealing #life #moreabundantly #health #love #kindnesstoyou
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This blog is written in hopes to inspire you to be an amazing YOU! To be real, honest, loving and kind. First to YOURSELF and then to others!