MY dad, what a gift! (His birth day is in 3 days :) 30th of December)
He was TENDER HEARTED.
TRULY FELT DEEPLY for others.
My dad had so much compassion he would easily feel the pain of many others as well.
When you are someone who could feel like this, you need tools to know how to process it also. If not, it's overwhelming and at times tormenting as you can't fix, change or help the other person.
My dad also was called to be a PREACHER. I was told stories at his funeral that he would be in his room practicing when he was young.
He also was a MUSICIAN. He even received a record label offer mailed to him about a song he wrote about my mom. It was a heartbreak song of course, but he had skill.
He was a FISHERMAN. He loved to fish. I actually am now remembering a memory where my dad, me and my brother, Christopher, went fishing in David's Pond in Batesburg SC. I think I actually caught the biggest one this time.
He also was an ENTREPRENUER. I was so blessed to find his business cards in the chest that was left with his stuff. I keep it in my office always to keep remembrance of who he was and what I can do to honor him with my life. Keeping his legacy going.
I believe my dad felt and seen the hearts of all his loved ones, and that he didn't' know what to do with it. Because of his gift of being tender in his heart, the fact of not having us with him and my mom, was too much to bear without something taking the emotions away.... well hiding them.
THIS IS MY DAD. WHAT A TREASURE HE WAS AS I GOT TO KNOW HIM THROUGH OTHERS... AND WHAT AN HONOR TO HAVE HAD HIM AS MY DAD.... HIS TENDERNESS IS A GIFT TO THIS WORLD, HIS MUSIC WILL BE KNOWN THROUGH THE THEATERS I START WORLD WIDE... AND HIS ENTREPRENUERSHIP WILL BE SEEN THROUGH ALL THAT I DO AS WELL IN MY FUTURE.
Thank you daddy for being you... I am sorry for your pain... I am grateful to see you again in heaven....
I love you.
~ Your Natasha
Where to start...
I hadn't seen him in many years..... he was in so much pain...
((((I have to say the very moment I am typing this the new Matilda movie is showing the teacher and her dad saying goodbye the last time... wiping tears away from her dad's face....)))))
So I guess there's something I need to release here....
DADS ARE POWERFUL but THEY ARE ALSO WEAK LIKE THE REST OF HUMANITY...
they carry pain the same, they fear the same, they get hurt the same....
BUT they seem to be overlooked the most, ignored the most, told to overcome or ignore their feelings the most....
They also make up 80% of suicide!!!!!
This just isn't right.
Dads need us, they need you, they need to be seen, known and heard. THEY NEED TO BE TOLD THIS!
WHILE still being seen as strong, brave and amazing people, men that are needed.
My dad and mom separated when I was young. I can't remember being in the same house of my dad.
He was in so much pain with not having us in his own home and not having mom anymore.... he even wrote a song and had a record label opportunity for a country song to mom, which we found after he died.
But he struggled with alcoholism.... something that helped the pain and made things "normal" in his mind I am sure.... (honestly I never got the chance to ask him)... But this stole from him... HIS LIFE, HIS JOY, HIS FREEDOM, HIS HOPE....
I have 2 memories when I was older. One of them, I was visiting my dad, maybe around 14 or so... he was sooo depressed and drinking that he cried the whole time, saying how much he missed us.... he tried making things better by giving us money to provide for us.... it was soooo hard to see and I didn't' understand or know what to do as a kid... IT SUCKED! But I also knew I didn't want to be around him if it made him sad.
***********LET ME JUST SAY BEFORE I MOVE ON... THIS ISN'T SHARED TO BASH MY DAD. BUT TO HELP OTHER DADS... WE MUST KNOW, SEE, HEAR AND SHARE THE PAIN THAT MEN GO THROUGH, THAT THEY STRUGGLE WITH AND CREATE PATHS FOR THEM TO GET THROUGH TO HEALING... I WILL NOT ALLOW MY DAD'S LIFE TO BE WASTED AND NOT FULFILL ALL THAT HE WAS CREATED TO BE AND DO.... MORE ON THAT LATER.....
Another time, he felt so overwhelmed with emotion, and I am sure guilty of not being with us, that he was threatening to take his life. He did something under the influence of alcohol that would bring the worry about in my life for him and fear.... ***again IF ONLY I knew then, what I know now... I could have helped him more.....
So I didn't visit with my dad for years. Until 2004. I felt this nudge from God to show up at his house one night. I pulled up and knocked and man was he surprised. He of course invited me in. I was now 19 at the time and was filled with the knowing of God's love and acceptance. I had so much fun with him that night. The ONE and ONLY memory I have with my dad. We sat on the couch and played Harry Potter video game on GAMECUBE, even while he chugged down some beers.... and we laughed and had a great time. I left and was excited to start having fun with him and conversating with him.....
That is until I was awakened the next morning....
While at my aunts house, someone woke me and told me that my dad had passed away... within hours of being with him, he had a massive heart attack and died....
I was devastated.......
Taking tiny steps forward, means understanding some of your reactive behaviors.....
The behaviors that continued to manifest were very self protective. I would have hateful thoughts, emotions and feelings to any man that was near me.
As a teenager I would feel sooooo uncomfortable with any dad of my school friends and especially if the daughter (my friend) was sitting on her dads lap or near him... it was strange (as I hadn't remembered my childhood or processed it of course)
As a young adult I started dating a guy 9 years older than me. I was 16 and he was 25. He was also separated and had kids. This was CRAZY as I think of it now, but man was I so "love stricken" and this relationship met some of my unknown needs of a father... weirdly enough... (so I learned later of course) I would stick with this guy even after he cheated over and over and over. We would end up living together as well...
At age 19, I went to The Harvest Church. This was after being kicked out of a church but was told "rejection was protection" and thankfully I didn't harden my heart to all Christians. At this church was the beginning of being around "safe" guys. Granted, I didn't know it then and DID NOT accept it for sure!
I had these emotions come up and RAGE within. These thoughts and feelings would say "what the f*** are they looking at... I will flip out on you".... yes that's the words that would truly rise up.
The Pastor, Ken, created an amazing culture of safety and grace. It was a great time of feeling a bit safer than ever. Then I had one guy friend that would start hanging around. Jason was so great. He would take my rude responses, anger, questioning of his motives, etc. and would make it fun and joking within the group of friends we had together. (he ended up marrying my roommate as well)
Then there was another Pastor, Indar, He was amazingly great!! He believed in me and I was able to join his small group at the house. It was a great time to just see and grow and build safe moments with other men... truly a treasured relationship for me still!
And there was Pastors, Scott & Michelle, they were very empowering to me. I was able to serve alongside of them and grow. They were amazing and graceful as I learned how to serve in youth for the first time!!
I also received a few interested parties to date me... this was so uncomfortable. I felt so bad as I didn't know hot to react.. act.... date, etc. It was just strange to me... as it was foreign to do so in a "nice" way. So of course these didn't last.
These awakenings showed me that I needed to get help.. that there was something incorrect actually within... and I had to make a CHOICE to overcome and move forward in this healing. OR I would have accepted my behaviors and feelings as reality and stayed wounded... this is a MAJOR THING TO RECOGNIZE.
One of the first steps was I decided to fly for the first time, alone, to Los Angeles. There was an event for sexually abused people to get healing.
This was a crazy adventure. I had been gifted a beautiful hotel room, from actually one of the guy friends, to stay the night before my flight in Charlotte NC.
When I arrived at the airport and boarded the plan, I realized that the plane was frozen solid. I hadn't flown before but I was sure that planes were not to have their windows covered in ice. LOL This was true. We had to sit on the tarmac for 2 hours! to de-ice. It definitely helped my anxiousness of flying for the first time. NOT!
When I had arrived at this place holding the event in LA, I decided to stay in the building overnight, like camping. It was filled with women and men that were sexually abused.... most of them had parent issues as well. Some of them shared that they were sexually active a lot, gay or lesbian, or just really withdrawn from any human contact. People responded to the pain, past, and confusion from abuse differently.
I learned a lot at this event and it began to take me deeper into the journey of forgiving my abuser and moving past my unhealed thoughts, feelings, emotions and behaviors....
For this, I am grateful.
#transformation #healing #THROUGHthepain #fearless #lookingup #sayingyestoyou #yourhealing #life #moreabundantly #health #love #kindnesstoyou
REJECTION, ABANDONMENT, SELF PROTECTION
(a few stories)
It all started with rejecting myself. Or truly a form of "self protecting" FOR myself.
When I was abused at 2 years old (fyi not by family members), my body and soul (mind/thoughts, will, and emotions/feelings) decided to cut off all the part of me that would remember this event. It also decided, ON ITS OWN, to eliminate a lot of memory possibilities until I was.... well 19ish years old.
I literally cannot think of one moment when I was a kid under 15. Even now. I have impressions and 'maybes', but no memories.
I had "rejected" myself by not processing and walking through what I had encountered.
Throughout my school I had friends that were mostly acquaintances.. I had a few throughout the years who were close enough that we got together after school. But every single one of them left me to hang out with others and eventually cut me off. It was weird to me, it just confirmed how "uncool" I was, rejected and alone.
Even as an adult and older teen, I had little friends that stuck with me. I was very aware of not doing stupid stuff, scared away from drugs and just didn't "fit" in anywhere.
I wasn't too weird either. Or so I think I was a cheerleader throughout my entire life (little league to graduation) and even became the captain of our team and did competitive cheerleading as a flyer on these teams.
I was kicked out of a church less than a year of coming to know God. It wasn't "christian" of course but it was oh so real and affirming my rejections. The people didn't like who I was acquainted with (an ex-boyfriend of the Pastors' kid) so they asked me not to come back if I stayed friends with him.
***this was the first time where I was taught "rejection is protection" in later days, I saw where they were behaving in some ways that I would not want to be associated with***
My point in sharing some of these is to show REJECTION has a play IN OUR LIVES when we AGREE with it and make it a part of US.
When one has a season of abuse and abandonment, it lures to those who are careless with you as well.
In other words, they will reject and abandon you easier than doing the same to someone who does not have rejection and abandonment in their past and within their IDENTITY.
*this is a spiritual principle* it's like joy, love, hope. When someone carries these well, you can sense it when they walk into the room and you feel a bit more hopeful, joyful or loved.
#rejection #abandonment #fear #lonely #scared #lost #transformation #hope #joy #peace #love #kindness #acceptance
This photo was a beginning of my new perspective.... (2013)
My childhood and school years brought lots of opportunity with rejection.
Rejection became my truth. My best friend. My guiding voice. Almost all my feelings, emotions and actions were rooted in rejection.
Rejection told me ::
who would MAYBE like me
who WOULD reject me
and who were NOT trustworthy
Rejection reminded me:
of how stupid I was
How silly was my voice
How unhealthy I was
How alone I was
THE WORST PART was that
Constantly reminding me of what was inside
the pain, the loneliness and the things tryin to hide
So desperate to be seen
so desperate to be known
but always rejection was the same...
a few facts on rejection::
Rejection does not let you win.
Rejection is not a friend.
Rejection is there to eliminate you and isolate you.
****Your biggest weapon against rejection is PERCEPTION!!****
#rejection #fear #lonliness #anger #pride #rage #growth #transformation #hope #insight #hissight #mylife #mystory #myredemption
This Tasha, (2007)
You can see the innocence and purity, but deep within was a tormented child, trying her best to be accepted...
she focused so much on others.... always thinking of them, always looking to them, always striving for them... always serving them....
but it wasn't about them really...
it was truly about me... about my fears... my pain....
would I be abandoned again.
would someone really see my ugliness.
who's going to reject me next.
would that person like me?
maybe they could accept someone with my past.
maybe she is safe and would see me.
maybe they can be like a father to me
do they see me?
do they want to have me here?
what are they thinking of me.
who will see me.....
such torment comes through
and anxiety withdrew
this beautiful gift of God
by filling a façade
such torment within
I never knew if I could stand
until he took my hand
and showed me a promise land
alas this torment within
didn't let it sink in
I was drowning within
my own skewed 'promisery' land
The reality of this was so true. As I created my life within, others continued to confirm and walk in it with me hand and hand.
The 'unhealthy' unseen realm has no favored one, it's like the conscience of us all, knows it all and find those who best would fit it all and possibly destroy it all.
I am rejected, so I need to be rejected
I am lonely, so I need to be abandoned
I am an alcoholic, so they see me as drunkard
I am lost, so no one will find me
To Be Continued....
#tellyourstory #freedom2023 #letsgo #notbackingdown #notalone #overcomer #fearless #courageous #motivationalist #transformationalist #encourager #lets #do #this
My Story - Part 1
This girl right here.....
she was in pain
she had hurt to the point of being on the floor curled up in a ball...
she was sad and became fully aware of the pain from not having a dad in her life... being physically abused, sexually assaulted, verbally manipulated and mentally exacerbated... all before 19.......
she was searching for her way out, her new way, was there a way...
the fears are unknown
the tears would overflow
the years would be told
the depth this would all hold
the fears were unknown
the tears would overflow
the years would bear its toll
the depth this was about to unfold
the fear exposed
the tears unload
the years explode
all the story... was... now... being... told.... starting in this very household...
(Poplar St. West Columbia, SC 2005)
I had no clue what was to come or what even was or wasn't... I was walking in a dazed body protecting itself from all the past and the present possibilities of pain.... and not so sure of my future....
to be continued...
#tellyourstory #freedom2023 #letsgo #notbackingdown #notalone #overcomer #fearless #courageous #motivationalist #transformationalist #encourager #lets #do #this
This post above was the beginning of a deeper healing into my life. I had already been through 15 years of healing, but it continues to un-layer and become even more beautiful each passing year.
These next blog posts will be about me, my life, my challenges, my pain and my healing journey. No matter your religion, please continue to read as you will still gain some other insight and wisdom into freedom, truth, pain and healing.
The brain is key to the connection of our soul: mind, will and emotions. Our brain controls what is interpreted by everything we come in contact with. People, places, smells, touch, etc.
We receive unlimited messages a day to speak to us and we must take control of what we receive as truth and what will lead our actions and emotions each day. Our brain will keep us the victim of any trauma we have experienced until WE CHANGE it. Our brain will tell us the interpretation of others unless we say otherwise. Check out the video and leave me a comment on your thoughts!
In today’s blog we discuss the connection between body, soul and spirit. And why it’s important to be aware of these connections and listen for their signals. In doing this, we are able to be in tune, awakened, to what's really going on inside of us and what we can do about it. Your body is constantly expressing when there’s pain or discomfort or an issue that needs attention. So is the same for your soul, revealing through your thoughts and feelings all the issues you need to attend to via mind, emotions or will!
In the video I share a testimony of my life with overcoming. We are not created to be living from the victim state, but the place of one who overcomes! I believe we all have the opportunity to be and do this after we have going through the "wilderness" place. Let's make an effort, get to know ourselves deeper and go further in life than we ever thought possible.
There is a way to walk in the fullness now. I am starting a new series to discuss the alignment via body, soul and spirit. It's imperative that we recognize and know each one of these and what they represent in our fullness.
I would like to talk about something that possibly could be our biggest stumbling block. Something that is removing our freedom and peace that's within our own grasp to stop! It places us in a cage and can begin to push all those we love out. It affects us, our future, our success and our relationships.
STICK WITH ME HERE! I may be speaking about it differently than you may have ever heard or what you are thinking right now.
Let's first get clarity on what judgement is by definition. Judgement is the ability to make considered decisionsor come to a sensible conclusion. It can be an opinion, a decision of a court or judge, or it's misfortune or calamity viewed as divine punishment.
A considered decision or sensible conclusion. These aren’t always wrong or incorrect or something we are wrong to do, but it is the definition of a Judgement.
Judgments can be small and simple as what we say when speaking things like "Gah he left his shoes out again. He doesn't care about me. See, she doesn't like me. She didn't answer her phone again, she has no respect. I knew they wouldn't come. They think I'm stupid". Again simple. Or they can be reasonable.“I knew it. They struggled with porn. I could see it in their eyes. They’re worthless. They are out to harm, I hear them gossip all the time. There’s no hope for them they love them drugs, that leader is selfish...” etc.
These can be about you or someone else.Judgement on yourself can be "I cannot do that. I am worthless. So stupid. What the crap is happening, I am retarded. I could not do that ever, since what happened at childhood I can’t" etc.
Again, these are "considered decisions" that you have made a CONCLUSION on or an OPINION on. A Judgement.
It also can be as large as judging an entire city, church or denomination, family or country. These judgements are usually because of an action or a tragedy. Something that you "see" happening that you have perceived and came up with an opinion on the reasoning. But within this blog, I will be focusing on judgments with relationships not a city or nation.
Judgment is such a simple thing, it doesn't have to be this major reaction to something most vile. It's a heart and perception you have towards yourself or another.
SO WHY DOES THIS MATTER!?!?
It is a stumbling block to you. Right or wrong in the judgement does not stop the stumbling block. A judgment brings judgement to you. We will discuss these below. First let me share some examples so you can think on one that may be applicable as we dig in more.
That one time you were offended by someone in your family, work or church. You stated things like “they freaking suck, I knew they wouldn’t follow through, they never call, they always do this or that as a leader, they don’t care about anyone except themselves...”. You spoke a judgment over them.
What about a spouse? They left their dirty clothes again in the floor and not the hamper. So you begin to think and say things to yourself and others "they are slack, they do not care about anyone except themselves, they are a messy person", etc.
A co-worker,they didn't follow through with a task or they told you boss on something you didn't complete. So you begin to state things internally or to another that "they are back stabbers, what liars, they are so two faced, untrustworthy" etc. These are a "considered decision" that you have made a CONCLUSION on or an OPINION on.
Some may think “ok Natasha. This is taking it too far. Too religious.” Let’s think on that, as I did. Did the word say in any of the scriptures below or above, “if the person only sinned this bad, 20% or above, then it applies, or if the enemy is not a Christian it applies, if the enemy isn’t your pastor, etc”. We put the markers and lines on the scripture. Little foxes spoil the vine. If you are going to judge the spouse living with you, why would your heart be stopped to judge the sinner who abused someone in your own town? It starts with the small judgments and only continues to grow.
The first reaction to these judgements within you are you may become sad, stressed, anxious, depressed, bitter, resentful, etc. You are feeling like you are seeing something you cannot change and that has you stuck. You are not at peace internally. You are not aligned with yourself. This is a very unpleasant way to live and if not dealt with properly then your physical body will begin to respond with sickness.
This is no way to live. There are laws and biblical examples on how we handle judgements and what comes forth when we live in judgment. Let's read on
Bible's view on judgement.
(Again I will be only digging into the verses that pertain to "relationship" and not city or nation judgments.)
Boundaries were set for our protection at the beginning of creation and we crossed them. Therefore sin was born which includes judgement and the wages of sin being death was put into place. You can see this judgement in play through the old covenant (testament). Thankfully this judgement was fulfilled by God sending his son to the earth. "For the wages which sin pays to death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." Romans 6:23. So in this covenant we do not have to carry the wage of sin anymore. Matthew 5:17-20. The judgement was removed. "All are justified and made upright, right standing with God, by His grace, through the redemption which is Jesus Christ." Romans 3:24
In the New Covenant (testament), Matthew 7 states "We must watch ourselves judging and criticizing and condemning others...". As you judge others, you will be judged. If you haven't overcome giving up that addiction to a candy bar each day, may I suggest not judging the one addicted to alcohol?It is with what measure we measure is what is used upon us.Again, you don't like the coworker gossiping about another? Why are you telling someone else how you "don't like that".... in turn, gossiping?
****Be watchful over your motives more than your neighbor, spouse, kid, coworker, leader, etc.***
KEY ~~~ You can also check out Luke 6. There is a lot here. The first part Jesus removes the mindsets of those still living in the law. Verse 26 starts to speak on HOW WE HANDLE OUR ENEMIES (those that hurt us in church). Verse 36 speaks on JUDGE and you too will be JUDGED. For with the measure you DEAL OUT will be the measure DEALT with you. So let’s be merciful and gracious as we learn in this area.
KEY ~~~ In Luke 6 Verse 43, I want to make a point with this. Here are my thoughts! It speaks on the fruit. Which is what a man judges HIMSELF with. FRUIT is something that comes and grows and stays on the tree until ripened. It is also REPEATED, it returns. It’s not a "mistake" or a "reaction". When someone swerves on the road is not fruit, its a reaction, a weed. So judging them to say "they are inconsiderate" is a judgment. When your family member cusses at you, it MAY not be fruit and may just be a reaction to pain.
Try to discern what is fruit or weed. Again a fruit comes, grows and stays on a tree and RETURNS. If it is a "pop up", like one time, it may be from pain and is like a weed or foreign plant that is uprooted and removed as soon as the Gardner sees it.
So when our brother and sister fails you, hurts you or dishonors you, this may not be a fruit. There are many scenarios as in why someone may have a moment of "out of character". If their life represents the good then that is their fruit. Let’s quit cutting down the whole tree because of a small thorn or weed that was allowed to pop up. And let’s give Gardner time to reveal, remove and prune!
KEY ~~~ We are not to be judges who judge another by the law. There is only one judge, Christ. James 4:11-12 It also states that if we judge by the law, we will then have to live by the law. There's no way we can all follow the law and live by it and live. As we shared above, the law, not followed, brings death. But we do not have to follow the law as Christ fulfilled the law and we now live in Him and He in us. It also states that as you judge another you then condemn yourself=Romans 2:1. Romans 4 speaks on the Law is not righteousness but FAITH is righteousness. So being good enough, following rules doesn’t make us right with God. FAITH MAKES US RIGHT WITH GOD.
SO WHAT IS THE SOLUTION!?!?
Everyone has their own journey. Romans 14:1-13 These verses are amazing. They show us that we are not to judge another’s decisions. God has them on the journey with Him. We have to trust that. Take these and study them. Let God create within your heart what needs to be known. Allow your mind to shift.
You still are accountable. When someone fails it doesn’t erase the verses that show us how to be. Kind, gentle, loving etc. It actually states we are to bless our enemies. If we feel someone has wronged another so much then they become our enemy. And we are then to treat them with kindness, live at peace with everyone, turn the other cheek and even give them the shirt off our back! Romans 12:16-21.
Think of yourself.If you failed, how would you want to be treated? Not what you think is right or what you learned was right. But what would you want to do or have be done to overcome and see yourself in that time. Matthew 7:12
Judge yourself. 2 Corinthians 5. It’s important to know where we are and what we are dealing with within. We need to know ourselves enough that we know our weaknesses and how God wants us walking through it. Sometimes it’s an instant overcoming, a miracle, but sometimes it’s a learning. A process. Hebrews 4:12 is great reminder that the word helps us judge ourselves and keep us accountable. It discerns between the soul and spirit as we might not always know. Go figure! :-) Galatians 6:1-6 shares again how we are to judge ourselves and be more gentle on judging others. 2 Timothy 3:14-17 speaks more on knowing what He’s dealing with in us and connecting with scriptures.
Don’t think too highly of yourself. We are not to esteem ourselves more highly than we out (Phil. 2) and we are to judge ourselves according to the degree of faith apportioned by God to us. Romans 12:3. So don’t compare yourself to another. It won’t work and it’s not affective.
Be constantly renewing our minds.constantly confronting and constantly seeing ourselves at the next best version... the next best place...
Remember. Gods focus is not to condemn the world. So ours shouldn’t be either. He didn’t send His son for the sins but for connection back to Him. Relationship is more a focus to Him than sin. John 3:17, John 12:46-47. Jesus fulfilled the law. The judgment isn’t upon us because we have passed from death to life. John 5:24. Romans 6:23.
Watch your words.For by them you will be judged. If you’ve already failed like me, repent and receive forgiveness. Matthew 12:36-37
If you want to be holy and help another.Stick with these verses! Judge your own motives. “But the wisdom from above is first pure [morally and spiritually undefiled], then peace-loving [courteous, considerate], gentle, reasonable [and willing to listen], full of compassion and good fruits. It is unwavering, without [self-righteous] hypocrisy [and self-serving guile].”
JAMES 3:17 AMP Ephesians 4:29 is self explanatory with only speaking words that build up. Again he isn’t saying “only to those that are good”. There is no limits to where our kindness can go, or should go.
So when can we judge!?!When it is fruit or if you are without sin you can judge... John 8:7. There is no reason that gives us the freedom to judge another human being WITHOUT it coming back to you. So having our alignment with Christ and walking out our own salvation is important. The conviction needed also comes from within a man, not us. Jesus is the one that draws them to Himself. Not us. We must be the carriers of love and do as spoken in Luke 6. Galatians 6 is good here as well.
Remember. Judgements doesn’t feed us, they exclude us. Redemption and the power of what Jesus accomplished should always be louder. Along with His character and purpose. Connection.
If you read part one first, I hope you have had time to think about your heart. What's in it and what you may be carrying. In this blog we will start with looking at how do we heal, surrendering our hearts and getting closer to becoming the truest version of our self.
First, lets discuss what areas of weakness or hidden areas that may be in our hearts that we need to address. This isn't a full list of areas, but it will help give you the idea of what I am writing about.
Not knowing ourselves.
Most of us do not give thought about truly KNOWING who we are. We grow up believing we are what we feel and think. Have you ever had a time where you think about WHY we feel or think this way or behave a certain way? Have you went gone further than a thought or feeling or just accepted them?
You may have heard people making statements like: "I have always been this way", "my mom was like this and my grandma, it's just who I am", "I just have an anger issue", "I haven't been that way since middle school". Many do not tap into asking WHY? Why do I feel this way?. They accept these statements, feelings and failures, as their identity instead of asking is this me? Do I really want to be this way? or Why am I thinking this?.
We also may not want to know ourselves. I spent the majority of my life not being "alone" with myself. I don't think I knew at all that I was doing it. But I do feel I was embarrassed, ashamed or just unhappy with who I was, or who I thought I was. In actuality I was a "good girl" but I wasn't a "true to myself" girl. I compared myself with others that were not choosing life. So I was a failure even if I was "good" because they didn't accept me. Truly "acceptance" back then was an 'agree with me' or 'hang out with me' point of view.
Part of hiding myself was the fact that I had some abuse growing up and it carried with me. It made me feel less than and not accepted by anyone that "acted" like they accepted me. It was a belief I created and believed from age 2. "I am unacceptable." This led to a life of rejection from myself and others.
So there may be many reasons why you may not be tapping into knowing yourself. Many things hindering you to have the courage to SEE it and to HEAL it. To me, I believe this is why we need the "blood flowing in" the heart. As our analogy of the natural heart, it's the LUNG (God) and the BODY (community) that will help us be the best version of ourselves.
BLOOD FLOWING INTO OUR HEARTS
WE NEED GOD.
Our creator knows us the best. He truly speaks to us intimately when we give Him the time and space to do so. He knows our present, past and our future. What better person to have on your side!
I remember one of the first times God revealed something to me with just Him and I involved for my heart. It was something to the effect of "you get angry at people when they don't do what you want". This sounds bad, right?!? It did to me at the time too. But we must take the next step. Asking ourselves why do I do this?, what am I believing? etc. He showed me it was out of a place of rejection. I would hurt and reject them before they could me. All stemming from the lie I adopted at age 2 "I am unacceptable".
Give it a try. Sit and chat with Him and ask Him for any area of your heart that needs His presence. And WATCH Him answer. Remember His voice is so vast and so beyond our thinking but simple enough to reach us where we are at! His voice will not go against His nature written within His word and the truth that HE IS FOR YOU! (If you need more in this area, message me!)
WE NEED COMMUNITY.
We are encouraged to have community, connect or meet up groups for almost every area of our lives. I think doing it for self awareness and growth is a must as well. You may have heard of the blind spot theory. Every person has a blind spot that they are unaware of or may be intentionally ignoring. There's most likely something within us that we don't fully understand, have no desire to change, or it is simply too hard to change so we accept it as is. You can find more about this in the Johari Window link, here. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johari_window
When others are around us, we must see it as an opportunity for ourselves to be revealed. The blind spot can be seen. If you are married, live with a family or have kids, you may know very well what comes up when others are in your "space". It's revealing. It can be used for good, where you acknowledge, accept and work for change, or you can hide and work to keep it away from others' influence. Either way you are using up energy and most likely more when you have to keep it hidden. I do believe the truth will manifest at some point of your life, so why not make it intentional and not have it revealed outside of your control.
Doing our part - "GUARDING OUR HEARTS"
What do we do individually to help or hurt our own hearts? How do we see our hearts? Our souls? Do we take it serious? To protect and heal it as we do our bodies? Let's dig into this a little further.
Self preserving vs guarding our hearts
Protection. Self preservation.
This may take a bit of chewing to process. Protection is part of our job with "guarding our hearts" but protection is not only our job.
Many take pride in choosing to protect themselves and believing it's the right thing to do. Creating walls to not let people hurt them or to keep themselves safe. Stating things like: I won't be letting them near me again, he won't be doing this to me anymore, she will never say that to me again, or I was stupid letting them in and it won't happen again. These are walls. They don't let ANYONE in. Good or bad. God or the enemy. A wall is up and it doesn't move. (All my boundary lovers, hang in, we will discuss those below)
This may sound good when we say it BUT WE MUST GO DEEPER TO UNDERSTAND AND KNOW OURSELVES and know where we are at when we set up this wall. We need to ask questions like: 1. What did this person do to me? 2. Have I forgiven this person? 3. Do I feel I need to forgive this person? 4. Does this person deserve punishment? 5. Have I surrendered control of the situation and the person? 6. Does TRUST in God have any play with my decision?.
These questions should reveal your heart. Is it pure or is it out for vengeance from a wound? Are you able to have a love feeling when you think of that person or is it a hit in the gut feeling or hit them feeling? Whenever we are not "healed" from a hurt, we make decisions out of the ME mentality and the vengeance state of being. The "hard gut hit" is usually our souls/heart saying they are CRAP, and don't speak to them. This is not the empowered or overcoming choice.
When you make a decision it should be from empowerment and not a judgement. From forgiveness and not from condemning. From love and not from hate. For me, I have this rule. I personally do not trust myself 100% when I am hurt. I have learned the hard way that I JUST MIGHT not know everything. LOL This is where we need the "blood flowing" in, as in the natural heart analogy. The blood comes from the lungs (God) and from the body (community). We need God and/or a third party to intervene and give us insight when we are hurt. I turn to someone that is an expert in the field I am in or invite God to correct me. If I don't hear anything from God, I usually will still invite another to speak into the situation before I respond or make a decision. To me, this is being true to ourselves and taking care of ourselves and the world! Honestly I believe it is a life long process of learning and revealing to know ourselves. So don't get overwhelmed here. Walk it out.
Guarding our hearts!
So if we can't protect ourselves this way, how do we keep ourselves safe? We must learn that our hearts truest desire is connection. Instead of a wall, lets build boundaries. Boundaries should always have the other person in mind and not just ourselves. Boundaries are given to protect the connection and not to keep out. It leaves a space for redemption and hope. Division and strife are not part of redemption and hope. They are NOT kingdom! They are part of the enemy's scheme of "accusing the brethren". Don't have a play with him. Shoot for connection, redemption and hope!
Let me know what you think. Anything you disagree with and what I might can add! Chat with you soon!
Our hearts and others.
Man where do I begin with this one... so much to say here.
Let me start by explaining what I mean. In life we are given time, people, gifts, talents, animals, land, etc. to steward. We are called to steward well and within boundaries. If you have been walking this earth long you may have noticed there are people that you effect and that effect you. Some are close to "home" and some are only bystanders. Either way people effect people. You may even hear it being stated as 'they rubbed me the wrong way" or "she brings so much joy into the room".
It all begins within a person's heart. Within our hearts, it is how we see the world, how we feel and what we believe (knowledge accepted). It's who we are, it's OUR heart. This can include the wounded parts of us and the parts made whole. I just recently heard on a podcast from James Goll that he believes our "heart" spiritually is like the natural heart. There are many chambers, many areas (rooms) that God has access to only when we GIVE it to Him. When we are saved we invite him into the foyer or maybe just one guest room. So he still has the rest of the house (heart) to be invited in to. When we do this and are healed and whole in Christ, I believe our heart will reveal HIM in His fullness.
This healing or wholeness, is a process of understanding and knowing ourselves. Some may have mentors, parents or friends to teach this process and others the redemptive power of Christ begins the journey for us. Either way the process is OURS and it always starts with us saying yes. Yes to the pain, yes to owning us, yes to walking it through and yes to overcoming.
In my previous blog I wrote about pressing past the pain. The process of knowing ourselves may have pain, but it's worth saying YES and going through it. The more we know us, the more we know HIM and we are able to know others. He did create us in His image and to have community, but we can only love others as we love ourselves. So we must know and walk through healing ourselves.
1. What is our HEART? What is it's purpose?
So we have our physical heart which is quite impressive. Our heart has 4 chambers split into 2 top parts and 2 bottom parts. The 2 top parts, atria, RECEIVE blood from different sources. One source is the lungs and one is from the rest of the body. The 2 bottom parts, ventricles, pump the blood BACK OUT to the body.
Let's look at this as an analogy. Within our hearts, we NEED to RECEIVE. In the natural we receive blood from the lungs AND from the body. In the spiritual we receive purpose (hope & life) from God (lungs) and also from our community (body). Receiving purpose (life & hope) can come in many forms. It's what drives us, gives us a future, renews our soul and restores our heart when we walk in alignment with it.
As we have received the blood, we now need to pump that blood BACK OUT to our body in the natural. And so it is in the spiritual. You may have heard the saying "a mans words reveal his heart". So what we receive (or have) is what we give. Everyone is created to impact someone. If we do not have an "outlet", we become stagnant and create an atmosphere for a possible self induced coma, selfcitis :). Basically we become really selfish, emotions whacked out and physically sick.
Here is a list of what some may label the heart: our emotions, realness of who we are, beliefs, true selves, will, intellect, feelings, character, personality, seat of conscience, ruling center of the whole person, spring of all desires, home of personal life and center of spiritual activity.
Let me make an important statement that the heart is NOT our thoughts. Our thoughts are instantly influenced by so many factors outside of ourselves. Television, media, social media, news, fears, enemy, distractions, to do lists, etc.
2. What do our hearts carry?
It carries US. You. Your heart is who you are! The beautiful, the good, bad and ugly. It's what we think and believe. It's the knowledge we accept as truth or lies. It is a very deep well of all that we have chosen or accepted to be.
Until the fullness of Him resides in us, the heart includes any wounds and lies that are now beliefs that we have not dealt with. Lies that speak: I am ugly, no one likes me, everyone sees me as that weird guy, I am stupid, lame shameful, I am not worthy, I am not enough, If only I was, if only I could be, if only......
If not dealt with, these lies and wounds can delay our hope, our freedom, keep us in bondage, living in fear, not walking in our complete destiny. The untapped parts of our hearts do not allow us to be our TRUEST self 🙂 We must tap into each "chamber/room" of our hearts to be known by Him and redeemed by Him in our souls.
I believe when we are saved that means our spirit man is born again (alive) and redeemed to its fullness and seated in heavenly places with Jesus. The scripture states that we are to "prosper as our soul prospers" I believe it to be speaking about receiving the fullness of Him manifested through our entire being including our soul (emotion, thoughts, heart, etc) and body.
The Lord had used me recently to walk someone through healing. They have had the darkest time of their walk the last 5 years. It included rebellion, anxiety, anger, loss of vision and no hope. They could not see why this had happened, especially when they were amazingly walking as a leader, growing ministry, influencing others and with much fruit for 15 years before this.
While chatting, the Lord revealed to me that the behaviors resembled how they behaved pre-Jesus days and there was a trigger that brought this person back to those days. The trigger was a person from pre-Jesus days contacting them, with "love".
This awakened the part of their heart that was "shut off", "protected", and not tapped into because of the pain that awaited there. (I can discuss this more in another blog)
To grab this, notice how this part of her heart was unavailable to Jesus the whole time walking and seeking Him and hearing Him for themselves and others. Again, I believe Jesus is a gentleman and He doesn't push himself on all of us anytime He wants or see something to deal with. It's a walk. It's an important walk that brings trust and builds faithfulness and relationship.
We all have opportunities to create parts of our hearts like this because of a trauma in our lives. Usually as a kid, but it can happen anytime in life if we are unaware on how to handle, process and walk out of the trauma.
Again, it starts with us. It is a choice to invite Him in, let Him stay a while and redeem or restore all that was stolen, broken, beaten or hurt within us.
Our next blog we will be discussing how to take care of our hearts, know our hearts and heal them. What does it mean to invite Christ in and how He is welcomed to stay there. As always, you are invited to share input. What you agree with or not or any questions you may have as well.
Back in 2017 The Lord had asked me to lay it all down. To step out of what I have known since I met him in 2004. To let go of relationships in a way I thought they would be for a much longer time. It was hard. It was surprisingly hard to me. Throughout the next year it eventually brought me to a place of doubt, fear, suicidal thoughts, confusion, rejection and loneliness. Even with an amazing child and one on the way. My hope and future seemed so lost... I couldn't even bring thoughts of hope up. It was bad.... I am now on the other side of this and I hope this blog helps encourage you in any type of pain you have right now.
Places of pain. As in my story above, pain can come from many places. A place of being pressed through the eye of the needle. Being asked to let go. To give things up. Changing of relationships and community. Dreams expanding and room being made for future generations. A time where we may be feeling confused, lonely, in doubt and fearing the unknown of what may be causing our pain.
Pain reveals. It tells us something is in need of attention. Pain in your body reveals the need of healing; pain in your heart and feelings speaks of soul healing; painful imagination, your thoughts need healing. Pain reveals to us our true selves (at the moment), the process to our healing, and the journey to our life in its fullness.
Pain is a door. Either we go through it or stay where we are. It is our choice. It's a door with crossroads. Telling us we can now continue forward on the track of pain or we can turn, dig in and step into wholeness.
STAYING doesn't mean the pain goes away. Staying and ignoring the pain doesn't slow down or erase it either. Staying and creating a self protecting atmosphere (I will just shut my heart off, they won't get close again, I will show them, etc.) doesn't make things great. Staying makes you stagnant. Like a stilled pond gaining more mush, more muck and more mud that collects things to keep you STUCK. Stuck in the now, in the pain, in a state of the fear with the unknown and unseen. Staying says no to forward progress, to future hope and healing. It's like a wound that you don't tend to which creates pus, gain green and eventually becomes dead. Staying causes the pain to Consume us. It's not a fruitful or fun place to be.
Moving THROUGH the "door" of pain brings understanding and freedom with knowing what has caused the pain. It helps us to get free and to have the peace and joy in our life we are created to have. Going through it makes it free for others to be around you and you free to BE YOURSELF. It means you are being redeemed and set free from all hangups in your life.
It is important to know what we can do with pain. Some think they have no choice and say things such as "its how I was born", "it is the way it is" I have to learn to deal with it" etc. The most vital thing we have, when having pain, is our choice for ACTION. Will we say nothing or will we say YES. Will we stay stagnant or will we walk through the pain. It all starts with a choice, it all starts with a YES.
No matter what pain you've caught yourself in, making a decision to act, or to walk through, is vital. It's vital for you, your future, hope, belief and your vision.
Saying yes is getting to the fulfillment of who you are. It reveals us and our true selves. Saying yes is the perfect step to the fullness of Him which is the completion of our wholeness. Its the legacy we leave to our little ones or spiritual children we adopt. It's the bridge we build between our soul and our Father God. Yes is worth it for US , His Kingdom and our Family.
To bring this home, I want to talk about some others that have said YES and walked past their pain. Then we will dig into some ideas on HOW to do this!
The first person I thought of was Jesus of Nazareth. He said yes in the garden of Gethsemane. He pressed pass the pain and the blood, sweat and tears of wanting it to stop and go away. He was not wanting to go through what was before him. But he said yes to GO THROUGH the pain and focus on the joy set before him anyways. His yes helped redeem the entire world and every living soul that will arrive here.
Martin Luther & Rosa Parks. Both of these said yes to go through the pain of starting a new norm. They chose to not keep silent or stagnant. And because they chose to go through they made a new WAY for others and future generations to come. What an amazing YES! We may never know the true impact our YES has the day we make it~
Barnabas had to press through the pain of knowing Paul's assaults to his family and friends. Saul was their enemy. But Barnabas chose to say YES to the Lords request and pressed through while TRUSTING Him. He had no clue the impact for the word and Gods Kingdom his yes would have. Leading so many into encounter with the Kingdom, Beloved, Father God and Holy Spirit.
What about the moms that said yes to carrying a child, birthing a child and the many hours of feeding that child. There is a lot of pain through these seasons. And of course this has made a way for YOU and I to be here 😉
Then there are the amazing dads. How many said yes to war and fighting to keep US safe. They pressed through the pain of leaving family and possibly not seeing them again. Or the dads that say YES daily to go to work and provide for their family and its future. Again, there is the pain of pressing past feelings of self, loss, fears, unknown, etc. and the great reward of many legacies to come!
Every single person that has had an influence on another has had to say yes through some type of pain. Pain isn't racist or sexist and only effects certain people. Pain is pain. It manifests when we need to give something attention.
STEWARDING OUR YES
So now that we have said YES what do we do with stewarding it well?
BE REAL! Admit the pain. Recognize and call it for what it is. Realize the feelings associated with it are real. Jesus was real with Father God. He told Him he didn't want to go through it. Jesus was also real with his disciples (community). He told them he was in agony with such sorrow to the point of death. That is something intense.
GET A VISION! The Joy set before you! Vision is important... knowing that you have a hope and a future. You can get many from Gods word that is full of promise. Go digging for them and write them out and declare them. The Trinity is a great place to go and speak with about what your future holds. Your personal words is a great thing to steward as well. No matter how broad or detailed they are, write them down and review them often. Each word is important and is a part of another word.
WHO IS YOUR HOPE! What is your hope in? Is it man or God? Might I say get it aligned with ONLY god. Man is man. We are not perfect and no one should be held at a standard of perfection. It is only doing the Fathers will and seeing Him that gives us true lasting hope. Keep your heart and sight on Him... the JOY set before you... his promises manifested in your life.
COMMUNITY! Who believes in you? Who do you look up to and care to walk with, to learn from and grow with? Reach out and keep them included. When I was dealing with my internal struggle I HAD to reach out to others and invite them in. I knew if I stayed alone I would not end well. So I asked the Lord who He had for me that was safe and made a point to reach out to them often! Here me, I didn't wait on them to contact me. I know my needs and what was going on internally. This was huge for me and it seems Jesus had the same. Those three disciples who He asked to come and pray with Him.
So STAND UP! and GO FORTH! through that door. He has His promises and goodness awaiting on the other side. And as always let me know what you agree with or disagree with. I love a good conversation. Abundant Blessings!
What's the deal with this?
I know the title may have made you twitch but stick with me. I am coming at this from a couple of ways below. And you may want to read to the end to get the full picture of what I am saying.
There are many in the church today that just stay away from the "organization". There are also many different reasons on why. Lets look at some of the reasons why below.
HOW MANY MAY VIEW CHURCH ORGANIZATIONS.
1. Abuse. These people have been abused in some way. It may have been their growing up, family, church or other Christians. To me, abuse is being mistreated, taking away your ability to say no, bringing confusion to your ability to say no, or you making another higher than yourself therefore putting them in a place to control you. This of course brings about unforgiveness, judgements made (rightfully or not) and fear. Healing is available for this, wholeness and freedom from past sins against us so we can truly love those around us.
2. Lenses. This is referring to the way you SEE things, people, bible, values, etc. This can come from life experience including #1 but also from the way we believe things that create wrong mindsets, belief systems and keep you in old "wineskins". The fruit of this can be offense, bitterness, fear, rejection, acceptance issues, etc. This can be fixed with healing and truth being spoken into us.
3. Accuser of the brethren. He has become your guide. I feel this is also a result of the first 2. I have always found it interesting that the name the enemy is called, in Revelation, is the "accuser of the brethren". Out of all the names, this is the one that was written. And so many Christians have issues with other Christians (brothers/sisters). I believe this is them agreeing with this accuser of the brethren and they then become his workers in the Kingdom :( it's so very sad. They feel they are "protecting" themselves when they separate or leave because of an offense when in actuality they are agreeing with the enemy and helping to keep division alive. Lets do what much of the new testaments states to us... forgive, esteem others higher than ourselves, love, don't hold offense, etc. Check out the scriptures below.
4. God's will. It has gotten in the way. This one is a doozy I feel. The church or ministry you are a part of takes a turn and/or begins a ministry or doesn't start a ministry. You get offended because you disagree, don't understand or because you feel God has spoken to you to do something different. Many of us cannot handle the unknown, the mysteries of God. We feel we should always understand and know why something is happening and when it is suppose to. Or if God did it one way in the past then it should be that way again. People leading different ministries are doing so with a passion, heart and vision God has given them. Me stating what someone should or shouldn't do in their ministry/church is like telling the governor you need to serve the poor daily and if he did he would neglect what he's been "called" to do.... govern a state.
Here are some points to stay away from the 4 TRAPS above:
1. Know you alone are not the fullness of God revealed. He has created all His children to carry pieces of Himself to reveal to the world. Why does this matter? Because we have to know we won't feel the same, see the same or know all the same. If so, God would only need you and no one else. We need each other. Romans 12:3-21 This scripture in itself is enough to tell us how to handle ourselves in the church when we have an offense or dislike of something.
2. Stating that church is the "body of Christ" so you are in church when you meet your friend for coffee isn't the same. Honestly you need to ask yourself is this a copout? To not face an issue or fear or hurt you have from the "body". Can you look at the "body" organization and have love for it or hatred? And what are the words that you speak often about HIS CHURCH BODY? Test your own heart. A great way to do this is with the word as it divides between the soul (mind, will & emotions) and the spirit. Hebrews 4:12. It will tell us where you are wrong if we humble ourselves to read it.
3. We have to remember and ask for revelation of God's, Jesus' and Holy Spirit's love for the body of Christ. Not just the ones you feel are good enough or not evil in your eyes, but ALL of His children... that's the purpose of the cross and resurrection.... to wash away all sin, not just those on the streets but those in the churches as well. Read Paul's letters. He knew about a lot of "wrong" in the "church" but still shared how his heart was soooo for them and he pursued connection and healing with them often. Read Colossians to see Paul's heart, Philippians 1:8-10 & 15-18, 2:16-17 & 19-20.
4. FORGIVE. I mean we know this is a basic in Christianity; It's how we all got saved. But someone we let this go and run away from it when it's another Christian hurting us. I have heard and seen Christians forgive a burglar or murderer quicker than the brother or sister that hurt them just last week in the service. Or the leader who didn't say hey or do what they emailed them to do or share a prophetic word they gave them. We have a major mindset shift that needs to change in the body for forgiveness with each other. There is no LIMIT to the blood of Jesus when it comes to forgiveness. So who are we to say who deserves forgiveness and who doesn't?
5. It MAY be, that all you need is not at your local church! Shocker I know. But God has your community and those to know you intimately in place and it may not be ones on Sunday morning. It could be your sister or brother in Christ that you serve along side of at the theater, your job or in a band or small group. Be open and don't limit or put God's ways in a box for your community and connections.
There are so many more points in each of these above but I didn't want a huge blog. If you have any questions on them, please reach out!
So why do we go to church?
It is a place of advancement, empowerment, pouring out and pouring in. A place where you can be challenged through the words from the pulpit and a place where you can receive prayer if needed and available. (And no I am not saying this is the only place :)) Do not miss out on your advancement because you feel the "gathering/organization" is not for you. Step out and be bright, BE YOU and share with others.
And here's another point. I am not saying that you should stay at a church that doesn't meet your passion or that you should not. We should be going to a church because God has told us to, Holy Spirit has led us and Jesus has graced us. As stated above the point of church is to bless and be blessed. Many focus on the latter... what can you do for me? I have noticed in each church I have attended, there has been something I haven't liked or wanted to do and they weren't, but I have always come back to the fact that "God sent me here". So WHAT CAN I GIVE, what is my place and what am I missing that I need to see? I have LEARNED to not judge and put down, but to bless and be a part of. It's freeing, you should try it! I encourage you to read Philippians 2 and be exhorted on how to love on those in your church and/or in a local church you visit.
I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOUR OPINION AND EXPERIENCES IN THIS. AGREEING OR NOT. PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT BELOW OR HIT THE BUTTON ABOVE, RIGHT SIDE, STATING "LETS CONNECT".
"LOVE FOR HIS BRIDE NEEDS TO BE DEEPER THAN ANY PAIN"
On May 17th, I had posted the following on Facebook:
I am done.
I am done allowing the enemy lie to me and keep me hidden in fear and rejection.
I am done allowing who others are (good or bad) determine who I am, and bringing me into misery without joy! Ugh!
I stopped posting anything personal on Facebook because I felt it gave false connection. Which it may of course. But I am a connector! Lol. I love to network. I love to share me and my life and hear about others.
So if you care
Who I am:
- I LOVE talking about YOU and your heart! I thrive on inspiring others! I know this makes some people uncomfortable and I am becoming okay with that. I am learning that not everyone is to be that intimate with me & nor me with them. And I am okay if we aren’t close friends like that.
- I LOVE quality time. It is a need I have and it is NOT one I created, but God. I have amazing people that will make time and hang with me and again I am becoming okay now with those that don’t. (As I use to think everyone should be my hangout friend. where would that time be?!? Haha) [[this one is still challenging for me with Community but I am learning HIS WAYS in this. *Share if you have any input!]]
- I LOVE chatting about Kingdom. Again this is usually your heart. So if that’s a ministry, Family or health, then that’s what I ask about. To know you, inspire you and connect with you. It’s who I am. Family is a new one for me but now I get it. Haha
- I LOVE to empower people. So when some weakness is shared with me I look for opportunities to inspire the opposite. No I don’t always do this right, nor should I say anything at times or have the right timing but again I am okay with that. It’s my journey and I am growing & learning always! If I do this incorrectly to you. Tell me! Help me grow!
- to my leaders. Yes I am that one that confesses all my weaknesses to you. I get it out. I haven’t always done Perfect with this but it has always set me free quicker! My poor leaders. Haha This has been my first season without a mentor and it’s been so challenging. Anything evil hidden is aweful and I want no part of it! ((Anger? I tell someone, my first time drunk as a believer (on purpose) I told three of my pastors. Lol. And they gracefully encouraged me to only share with one for accountability; no worries this was back in 2015, Evil motives towards my husband, I tell him (hasn’t always gone well haha) or another woman for correction lol)) *yes I know I can go to Jesus. And I do. It’s the ones I need to be expose that get shared*
- I have always been in leadership since I got saved in 2004. Until last year October 2017. I may share too much of my opinion. Lol. I am working on keeping this mouth shut more!. I do feel God puts the right people and their opinion in the right place. (Also called leaders :)) so I don’t have to share mine! Haha go figure!
- I am a mom but it has not always been my dream. It’s been a very hard road to surrender to, but I am. And I am gaining more and more joy in it. Of course Cayden is just amazing!
-sometimes I get my encouragement mixed with “fixing” someone. It’s not always Gods will for me to fix obviously! HA!
-I have had a life of digestive issues that are just plain aggravating. When I was born I had an infection in my blood that put me on two weeks of antibiotics. Saved my life but tore up my system. So this is why I share about food and health on Facebook often and may ask you about your health. Haha
I do apologize though for anyone that has been offended or hurt by my abrasive desire for you to be whole, my growth & learning curves! :-)
And yes these may change and there may be imperfect thinking and I am okay with that. As I am open to being corrected always, changing, growing, etc. I love it!
And PS. I really do love hearing the opposite of my opinion. I love getting to the why and how and knowing the truth.
AND yes we can still hang if you don’t like some of the above. As I will always be open and ask do you want an opinion, encouragement, or what’s best to chat about. Lol. I have learned this thank God! As again I love to EMPOWER YOU!
Okay. That’s all. I may or may not start posting personal life on Facebook again. We shall see :-)""""""""""""""
I posted this mostly for myself. I had to make it known to myself and make a decision that I was not going to stay where I was. Man what a difference it has made. It was the beginning of my breakthrough and leaving the "wilderness". Below, I share what I was breaking out of. In hope to encourage or help someone who may be in the same boat.
"When God sends you it may not be where you were prepping to go"
Back in October of 2017, The Lord decided it was time for me to step out of serving others visions, in ministry, after 13 years. It was really all I knew in “serving” the kingdom since I was saved in 2004. God saying this, was not at all what I was expecting! And at the same time He surprisingly blessed us with another gift, Baby Greer #2. So the emotions with hormones were crazy! LOL
So with these two major changes I was a basket case. I dealt with so many lies and even suicidal thoughts. It sucked! I would dig myself out of the emotional hole for a few moments and then fall back in. It was hard for me to be around my normal peeps. It just depressed me more. I felt forsaken, lost and sad. The biggest thing that kept coming at me was "I was forsaken. My dreams, desires, efforts, hopes, all of it, forsaken."
I HAD to reach out consistently to people I could trust for truth. I knew some of the things I was dealing with wasn’t right but it WAS SO REAL! ***please don’t just negate your emotions when they get this deep and dark, SAY SOMETHING!! Get help! And have those around you to speak truth to you constantly until you're through.***
I knew that God was the one asking me to make this change, so he was of course to blame. Lol God also said my relationships would change, so I couldn’t get mad at people for that either. I was so stuck and no one to blame "in person" but God! GAAAHH!
"Journaling all your dreams and prophetic words. It may be the answer you are looking for 6 months from now!"
Of course the Lord did prep me; as He is faithful! But I missed all the "clues" he gave before this all started. As I looked back to read my journals (which he told me to read my 13 years worth of journaling at the same time) it reminded me of His faithfulness and showed me He had given me dreams personally and prophetic words from people not involved with any of this to help me through what was coming.
Here are some of the encounters, revelations and words He gave me within 6 months before my transition started:
- I noticed in May of 2017 the Lord had started speaking to me about restoring the inheritance of my generations past and for my generations to come. He had confirmed it when I opened up this book by Shawn Bolz “Keys to Heavens Economy”, and his first chapter read Restoring Desolate Inheritances. This book awakened it more in me! I actually bought the book almost a year before for a reason I didn't know and began reading it now.
- He gave me Psalms 37 out of the blue and it is all about the Lord will not forsake you. At the time, I wasn't sure how much I would need these verses. So this was a Word I had to mull on. You know sometimes you get a word and it’s an instant filling in your spirit but others it’s like chewing a big thick steak that's been burnt on the outside! Lol Also forsaken is like a curse word to me and I don't want anything to do with it. So to think I would actually need this scripture and feel forsaken was awful!
- At the same time of revelation with my inheritance being restored, He began speaking to me about my calling/grace as a prophet in May. Out of the blue. It’s not something I focused on throughout my walk because of always serving others visions but it was neat how He brought it all up. Even reviewing my journals and showing me where I had been given this revelation of my calling multiple times and just put it on the shelf until “time”. So I began dreaming with God in this! Of course in my way of how it would come about :)
- July of 2017, He took me to a new place in the spirit to reveal things to me. It was a cave. I thought "neat", how fun and how many treasures do we find in caves! :) But within the hour Brian Simmons started his teaching about David and how he had his season in the cave. GAAAAHHHHH! I quickly wiped that away because I didn't want to hear it. The cave meant no connection or recognition (acceptance so I thought it was at the time) and man I needed both so I thought. Brian also grabbed the mic while I was in my encounter and began speaking about relationships and such which I knew was for me. But I again, didn't put much attention to it at the time because I didn't want any of my relationships to change.
- a friend of a friend had prayed for me one week (as we asked him to for a word) and left me a voicemail with a word he felt impressed from the Lord. Every single thing he shared pointed to this time. He gave the word early spring of 2017 though, so I wasn't sure of parts of the word. So as I was reading my journals I listened to the word again and BAM it hit my spirit hard in November of 2017 after all this started :) Was soooo encouraging and refreshing to know that God was actually in all this!
"So here I am now"
So now after these 6 months of prepping me with the words, revelation and encouragement above, it was time for alignment. Usually when alignment happens it is taken as exciting and running into your dreams. But not this time, so it seemed. My dreams have always been serving the body of Christ and impacting nations. These dreams I didn't chase but God very clearly has given to me through many confirmations throughout the past 13 years.
So His alignment was me stepping out of everything. Was me letting go of everything I had my hands to and heart. Again, I was not prepping for this. I was prepping to be sold out and in connection FULLY with those around me and the ministry I was serving. So a big shock to my system this was!
Part of this alignment was accepting my place and calling as a mom and prophet to my family. The Greer Tribe. My dream of family, kids, mom and such was brand new. Really implanted by God. Not made up by me. I believe there were reasons why I didn't dream this, like not having a father figure in my childhood that was able to be there for me, having physical and sexual abuse as a kid and making bad choices as a teenager. The dreaming of my own family was dim. So it needed to be cultivated in me.
Another part of this alignment is me letting go of my WAY that my dreams would come about. As someone preached recently, the prophetic words we have don't always include directions and steps. So I had to lay down all my dreaming and thoughts on how they may be coming about. Trusting God with all that HE had given me.
So here I am. Finally having breakthrough with stopping all lies from feeding me any longer. I am not missing out. I am not less than. I am being pruned and prepped daily to be more like Him and more like ME :) I am still on my path to completing my destiny on bringing heaven to earth and I am so honored I get to be a prophet to my family! We shall overcome and we shall have the fullness of His mysteries and the GREER TRIBE WILL HELP RESTORE THIS WORLD!
YOU. Your body, your voice, your actions, your words ARE KINGDOM.
I feel we use the word Kingdom so much now a days its lost its immense power. With Kingdom I am speaking about the following, the FULLNESS OF the FOLLOWING plus more! Righteousness to stand against any evil (seen or unseen), peace to overcome all pain, joy to say yes through every trail, power to overcome daily, truth to make Him known, light to reveal the darkness and remove it!
THIS is Kingdom! This is HIM. This is YOU!
Lets not take lightly what we carry.... I mean being a Christian for so long you MAY become complacent with what's within.... it's truly not just a fiction to make you feel good to not die then just end.... its truly not a way to just be a nice person... IT IS A WAY TO CHANGE THE WORLD, TO MAKE IT A BETTER PLACE, TO IMPACT HEARTS OF THOSE YOU WALK BY.... SERIOUSLY... IT IS A WAY TO TERRAFORM ALL THAT YOU ENCOUNTER!!! TERRAFORM IT BACK TO ITS ORIGINAL PURPOSE....
Or do we think that having sickness is normal bc its the way the world is? There's too much evil, there's too many people making bad choices, etc.? Do we think that broken hearts at least once in a lifetime is the way it is, do we say "it is what it is" too much and not being aware that WE CAN CHANGE IT?!?!? Take it further.... do we think that trees should get sick and die off, earthquakes & hurricanes should be happening, animals getting disease is normal or angrily killing each other? I know that's far fetch for most of us.... but was the Garden of EDEN a peaceful place or violent? (please don't misunderstand me by saying we should not kill animals to eat, I don't feel that conviction YET, I do believe we may be there one day as a church, but maybe not. NOT MY POINT) I am simply pointing out that CREATION also has a part of this redemption along with people, sickness, marriages, salvations, etc.
So ARE YOU RELEASING KINGDOM! Are you walking outside knowing your PRESENCE is making a change on the very ground you walk on? the person you speak to when buying groceries? Your spouse you are constantly encountering daily?
I do believe you have to be at a place of believing this. A place of KNOWING what/whom you carry! You have to know and believe that you truly carry all that is in heaven, in the Kingdom... and its THROUGH YOU THAT IT GETS RELEASED TO THIS EARTH!
Do not think that we are waiting on God to make everything change.... HE IS WAITING ON US TO SAY YES AND BELIEVE WE HAVE WHAT HE GAVE US. He is waiting on us to SEE IT and SPEAK IT and REVEAL IT to the World... He didn't send His only son so He can do all the work too.... no He sent His son to show us the way, to make a way, to redeem the world THROUGH US!
DO NOT THINK THAT ONLY YOU CAN RELEASE HEAVEN BY SINGING IN A BAND OR IN FRONT OF PEOPLE.... BELIEIVE THAT YOU CAN TRANSFORM AND RELEASE KINGDOM BY SPEAKING IN YOUR HOME.... TO NO HUMAN IN FRONT OF YOU AND KNOW THAT THE ATMOSPHERE IS GETTING CHANGED.... THE NEIGHBORHOOD YOU ARE IN HAS A LITTLE MORE LIGHT JUST THEN, YOUR KIDS HAVE MORE PEACE, YOUR MARRIAGE (or one to come) HAS BEEN IMPACTED WITH TRUTH.
AS YOU BELIEVE IT, SO SHALL IT BE.....
START ENVISIONING IT HAPPENING FROM YOUR MOUTH.... THE WORDS/LIFE OF THE KINGDOM.... DON'T JUST LALLYGAG IN LIFE ANYMORE... SAY YES TO HIM, HIS WAYS, MAKING HIM KNOWN, STARTING IN YOUR HOME...
With Cayden, my son, I started when he was a baby sneezing... I thought what an amazing opportunity to release KINGDOM... so every time he sneezes you will hear me say "I bless you with joy, peace & righteousness" the KINGDOM :) There's no sense in him having to go through all I have to gain these three amazing pieces of KINGDOM. I hope it gives him a boost of walking in kingdom at an early age & I do already see fruit of these :) YES LORD!
It’s important to understand community. Also, to understand flowing with God and His will and trust in relationships. To me this is very mysterious. So many people, personalities and purposes.
Community isn’t a building, job or a ministry. Community is people. Those who surround you and celebrate you. They connect with your hearts dreams and desires, and/or you connect with theirs.
Community is sometimes those that are supporting, counseling or walking with you through a trail. This isn’t always your best friend or your leader. Not everyone is equipped nor able to handle your hardships and your heart. Doesn't mean they are less than or bad but we all have our own walks of life and style to support. It makes us unique! This is usually a person who God has ordained to be there for you, He has given them the grace and wisdom for whatever it is you are going through.
Community also changes. It flows as you flow in season and out. Some may follow and be with you in multiple ones and others may only be for one particular season. Some may be intimate for one season and friends that only hang every couple of months the next. Walk with God and trust Him with this!
Connection shows up in different ways as well. Some people feel so close to you as they connect via text or email only. Others may need that one on one time once a week to feel connected. It all depends on their love language. Know them and be grateful for all of those God has put in your life.
Personality. This also has a play with connection. Do they like jokers that laugh all the time, or are they more serious and like to talk about economy or health only. All of this matters with who feels more connected with you and who you feel more connected to. And comfortable with :)
I am sure you have heard of the inner circle. The best description of this that I have seen is Keeping Your Love On by Danny Silk. There's also the life of Jesus. He had a few disciples that were the closest (inner circle) that did more intimate things with Him, but 12 that he walked along side of to change the world in His ministry. So ask the Lord who are the 1 or 2 that can handle your heart and trust Him with that! He knows you better than yourself and He knows your tomorrow!
Being aware of these things will help your heart. It will help you when a transition period comes to look at truth and not be driven by lies of division and judgement. Usually when we feel disconnected we are more abt to listen to an accusation than to give the trust that is deserved or has been earned. The disconnection could be a transition taking place for what God has next in your life.
For example, if God is taking you from a corporate job to full time ministry, you may start to notice some of the relationships changing at work. You emotions could be getting stirred up as you become really frustrated or feeling lonely. Being AWARE of these feelings and KEEPING God in the middle of your life will help you become more aware of what's to come, or the possible transition you are in. We all know God sometimes waits until last minute to fill us in on the plan. So we are to trust when things get shaky! Some call this "the grace is lifting". When something that was once a joy and easy becomes hard, uncomfortable and frustrating. It may be God transitioning you and making room for new relationships and new adventures!
Let me say this as well. *This is not a right and wrong blog post. This is not to see who is to blame. This is to set your heart free and know yourself, your community and your season better! Having understanding is freedom!
MY STORY ON THIS: (very broad version :))
For most of my life I had a perception everyone was to be my friend and connect with me in some way. In school I was a class clown and captain on our cheerleading team. I had soooo many that connected with me on some level and I had called them friends. But not many got to really know and spend time with me, which is my love language and therefore I felt "less than".
As the years have gone by, I asked the Lord “Why are they not connecting with me or why isn’t this relationship working” his response was “I never asked you to give your heart to them!” Woah! Talk about a cut. You see, I thought being a Christian was being open and loving to everyone by opening your heart and revealing it. So when God said that I was pissed. I couldn’t beleive the Lord allowed me to pursue a relationship when it wasn’t to be. Of course this is not His fault but He took the blame. :) So this began my journey to a deeper understand of community, family in the church and relationships.
I still have not the fullness of this and maybe some wrong perspectives that need corrected BUT understanding my relationships and taking into consideration God's opinion is soooo much more helpful and freeing. Get understanding and invite Him in!
On my journey I have been challenged with different thoughts of “not making it”, “not doing enough”, “maybe I need to be more like so and so”, etc. Not feeling like I am being successful.
I have a dream. One that God has even given me. So sometimes I measure my success in life with me meeting, starting or completing something that is exactly "attached" to that dream.
If you ask around some may say success is connection to a “known” person (one of influence), spending 5 hours with Jesus a day, being in a certain ministry, having more than enough money, knowing the Bible, going through college, having a family, having the support of a leader, etc.
Is this true? Maybe or maybe not! I believe each of these can be yes or no. Depending on your season you may say yes or no. I would like to suggest that success in the Kingdom is being in the Father’s will! Doing exactly what He is asking or inviting you to do. Not what you think or feel you should do in perfection.
So. If your season is one of growing your family, great! If it's growing in influence and favor, awesome! If it's going to college or pursuing your faith growth to raising the dead, wonderful! Doing the will of the Father.... or better, BEING in the will of the Father. Is true success.
So any of those listed in the paragraph above can be correct for you or they can not. If it’s the right season and you are being in the will of the Father, say yes to it and surrender to your success with Him!
No more comparing and stop trying to be what most around you are and be still to listen and hear the heart of heaven for YOU. This will get you further in life. And this is true success. Go ahead is BE in the will of our Father God!
These are some of the most painful questions and acts. The question Why God? And the act of surrendering to Him.
If you’ve been through those tough moments in life with the loss of a loved one or a loved pet, separation of relationships or ministry, sickness, lack of finances, or in need, then you may have asked that WHY GOD question.
Why God am I going through this? Why God am I the only one getting beat up? Why God did that happen to them? Why God haven't you done this or done that? Why God did you do this? Why God would you allow this? Etc.
It’s a question that I believe doesn’t really get an answer on this earth. Or at least by God. If you’re like me, I have tried to answer it with my own logic but God won’t let it stay there. As it’s not truth and sometimes this action ends up in bad theology. (I have had God take me to heaven and show me the answer on some things and then confirmed it with something or someone on this earth. Can chat on this with another blog)
But I do believe there is a way we get past the WHY question. There's a state of mind and heart the Lord is trying to get us to. Which of course brings us closer to Him. It builds our trust with Him..... and brings us to surrender.
Surrender to the unknown. To the moment you’re in. To the pain. Surrender to what’s actually happening, the truth AND the lies. Surrendering to you not knowing all the whys and maybe not getting your answer in the here and now.
Surrender is beautiful. It’s a painful squishing of the soul, but it’s beautiful. It's the most freeing action, once we get there. It’s saying “I will trust”. I will trust Him. I will put my why in Him. I will know Him. I will.... I will trust Him! Amidst the pain, against the heartache and circumstances... I will CHOOSE to SURRENDER to HIM!
It is a choice. It is an action of choosing to surrender. Speaking it against all pain and feelings. As we surrender to Him, He will deal with our circumstances. He can then deal with lies we are believing as we are surrendered. He can act and speak on our behalf as we are surrendered to Him and not placing our own judgments.
So today CHOOSE TO SURRENDER TO HIM instead of living in the WHY GOD questions.
This blog is written in hopes to inspire you to be an amazing YOU! To be real, honest, loving and kind. First to YOURSELF and then to others!