My Story - Part 6

Part 6

My dad....

Where to start...

I hadn't seen him in many years..... he was in so much pain...
((((I have to say the very moment I am typing this the new Matilda movie is showing the teacher and her dad saying goodbye the last time... wiping tears away from her dad's face....)))))

So I guess there's something I need to release here....

DADS ARE POWERFUL but THEY ARE ALSO WEAK LIKE THE REST OF HUMANITY...

they carry pain the same, they fear the same, they get hurt the same....

BUT they seem to be overlooked the most, ignored the most, told to overcome or ignore their feelings the most....

They also make up 80% of suicide!!!!!

This just isn't right.

Dads need us, they need you, they need to be seen, known and heard. THEY NEED TO BE TOLD THIS!
WHILE still being seen as strong, brave and amazing people, men that are needed.

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My Story:

My dad and mom separated when I was young. I can't remember being in the same house of my dad.
He was in so much pain with not having us in his own home and not having mom anymore.... he even wrote a song and had a record label opportunity for a country song to mom, which we found after he died.

But he struggled with alcoholism.... something that helped the pain and made things "normal" in his mind I am sure.... (honestly I never got the chance to ask him)... But this stole from him... HIS LIFE, HIS JOY, HIS FREEDOM, HIS HOPE....

I have 2 memories when I was older. One of them, I was visiting my dad, maybe around 14 or so... he was sooo depressed and drinking that he cried the whole time, saying how much he missed us.... he tried making things better by giving us money to provide for us.... it was soooo hard to see and I didn't' understand or know what to do as a kid... IT SUCKED! But I also knew I didn't want to be around him if it made him sad.

***********LET ME JUST SAY BEFORE I MOVE ON... THIS ISN'T SHARED TO BASH MY DAD. BUT TO HELP OTHER DADS... WE MUST KNOW, SEE, HEAR AND SHARE THE PAIN THAT MEN GO THROUGH, THAT THEY STRUGGLE WITH AND CREATE PATHS FOR THEM TO GET THROUGH TO HEALING... I WILL NOT ALLOW MY DAD'S LIFE TO BE WASTED AND NOT FULFILL ALL THAT HE WAS CREATED TO BE AND DO.... MORE ON THAT LATER.....

Another time, he felt so overwhelmed with emotion, and I am sure guilty of not being with us, that he was threatening to take his life. He did something under the influence of alcohol that would bring the worry about in my life for him and fear.... ***again IF ONLY I knew then, what I know now... I could have helped him more.....

So I didn't visit with my dad for years. Until 2004. I felt this nudge from God to show up at his house one night. I pulled up and knocked and man was he surprised. He of course invited me in. I was now 19 at the time and was filled with the knowing of God's love and acceptance. I had so much fun with him that night. The ONE and ONLY memory I have with my dad. We sat on the couch and played Harry Potter video game on GAMECUBE, even while he chugged down some beers.... and we laughed and had a great time. I left and was excited to start having fun with him and conversating with him.....

That is until I was awakened the next morning....

While at my aunts house, someone woke me and told me that my dad had passed away... within hours of being with him, he had a massive heart attack and died.... 

I was devastated.......

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